Funny Holiday Eating Tips

  1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a Christmas buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit.In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
  2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me (That way I don’t have to!). So, have two. It’s Christmas!
  3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
  4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
  5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s Day. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog
  7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
  8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. Ala Mode! When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all costs. I mean, have some standards. Unless it’s been soaked in rum for a year. (Like my Nonna’s recipe.)
  10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

And remember this brilliant quote by Hunter S. Thompson:

“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand and champagne in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”

Have a great holiday season!!

Merry Christmas

PS: Let’s all buckle down right after the New Year and Commit To Get Fit – so we can ALL Find the Secret to OUR Own True and Everlasting Weight Loss – or anything else you want to achieve. Motivation is motivation. It’s really all the same . . .

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Laura Dion-Jones is a Writer, Speaker, and Author.

She is also a well known Pro-Health Activist, Certified Wellness Coach, Radio & TV Show Host, and Designer.


If you really want to get in shape, Laura’s book, Commit To Get Fit: Find The Secret To YOUR Own True And Everlasting Weight Loss – WARNING: This is NOT Your Typical Diet and Fitness Book! Available on Amazon and her website,

C2GF is an excellent motivational book disguised as weight loss or vice versa . . . depending on what you personally need. See the reviews on her website.